His Grace is sufficient for me!

It's hard for me most of the time. With thoughts of her sometimes quite overwhelming, but sometimes it's less overwhelming. I have pleaded with God to heal me, to wash away the pain, and everything, but God says "NO!" But He says to me "My grace is sufficient for you." I'm like Paul now, where I have to submit to this "thorn" and just rest and believe that His grace is sufficient for me. A lot of times, I don't feel the power of those words. A lot of times I just have to keep repeating those words to myself over and over and over again. I'm scared of her. I'm scared to see her, and I anticipate seeing her, I'm scared. I'm a pain right now, and feel wounded. So I'm left to say, and to believe with all of my heart, "His grace is sufficient for me!"

For the good of those who love Him....

I love you God. Do you love me? Sounds like a dumb question. Of course you do! Silly me! Open my eyes, and make my heart sensitive to what you are doing in my life and teaching me right now. Help me to follow your lead on everything and to trust you. You are able to turn good, and work out your purposes for the good of those who love you. I thought about her again today, and my heart started hurting again. But I called to You, and you rescued me from pain and despair. I don't know what to do about her really. Just take care of that situation God.

Grace in the wilderness..

Right now in my life, I am in a period of wilderness. I'm looking for God much more than I ever have then in the good times. I found these lyrics to a song which describes what my desire is:

“Wanderers in this wilderness, yet we find our hope in You.
Strangers in a foreign land, yet we find our home in You…”
“We find grace in the wilderness, Strength enough to sing of Your unfailing love.You are close, closer than we know, And there will come a day when all will be revealed.”

Here are biblical examples for us:
Joseph looked back over a season full of trials and testified, “… God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering”. (Genesis 41:52). The worshipping heart of David recognised that, “weeping may remain for a night, but rejocing will come in the morning.” (Psalm 30:5)

The people… found grace in the wilderness”. Jeremiah 31:2

John Newton’s hymn, “Amazing Grace” is yet another testimony to God’s grace for the wilderness. Perhaps the best know of all the hymns, this song of salvations is real about the turbulent journey of life, yet full of a deep and assured knowledge of the grace of God for this journey: “Through many dangers, trials and snaresI have already come,‘Tis grace that brought me safe thus far,And grace will lead me home.”

Amen :)

Lead me to the place of peace

Lord,

As I begin my day today, I pray that you lead me to the place of peace. As I focus on You, and as I let go of things, Lord, bring me to the place of peace and healing. Restore my soul.
Fill me up with all of you, and of your power, and of your Spirit, and have your way with me today. Lead me to make an impact in the workplace, through conversations, and my own actions. Lift away my burdens today. Wash away the pain today. Wash away the bitterness and anger, and only give me love. I need love, I need You.

Who are you Lord?

You are my rock.
You are my shelter.
You are my fortress.
You are my portion.
You are my help.
You are the one who hears my cries.
You are my shepherd.
You are my comforter.
You are my defender.
You are my hope.
You are my saviour.
You are my healer.

I know who You are now.

Bring me to Life again!

Lord, bring me to life again, renew me, renew a passion for you, renew my mind and my heart. Renew a love for your people again. Lord give me a forgiving heart, and remove the bitterness and anger within me.

You died for me?

I had an interested long weekend..

On Friday, I went to a morning service at Unionville Alliance Church. It was very refreshing, and renewing, and God brought healing to me. I was touched by the heart and love of your servants who deligently and joyfully serve you on Sunday mornings to minister to your people. On Friday night, I went to a youth rally with the youth group. It was great! The message was about distortion, and how we are bombarded with messages each day. We are even hurt by life circumstances, and therefore we are so distorted. The whole night, this was the message. I'm happy to see young people living for Him, and helping their own peers, I'm happy to know that there are new commitments to you, I'm happy to know that there were young ones who are coming back to the path, and are willing to be filled with all of you! so that they can fight distortion. We can make unwise choices, sometimes we don't know what is the right thing to do, or think, because we are so distorted. That night was God renewing me, and bring healing to me, and I asked God to renew me, and change my heart, and my attitudes. I pray that the youth will burn for passion for you God. I'm happy to get a chance to walk with the youth and be there for them and help them. To be a model for them of a Godly person. To encourage them to walk with You and to live for You, and to be passionate about You.

I don't think that I really appreciate God's sacrifice for me. I think that I come every easter, trying to force myself to appreciate God's sacrifice for me. So I've been praying that I would appreciate His sacrifice more and that I can be broken over my own sins.

Right now I'm dealing with two things: fear and pain.
Fear: I guess I'm just afraid of getting hurt. I'm already hurt right now. Seeing her really hurts me. I feel afraid every time I get the chance to see her.
Pain: I still am wounded. I feel it every day. God has still not healed my wounds. When will He?
Yeah so every time I see her, or anticipate seeing her, I'm afraid and weak. So I have to just keep praying, and reading scripture, keep singing to Him, keep telling Him how much a need and rely on Him, keep asking Him to strengthen me and remove my fears, and keep asking Him to heal me. I have to keep asking Him to give me strength to serve Him, and love Him and serve and love His people.

I was scared on Sunday when I was at church, but I kept praying to You as well. Even though I shake within me, I still pray, I still sing, I still cry out to you.

1 year!! yikes!

MAn! my love for her runs really really deep...
Looking back, it took me almost a year to get over my first girlfriend. Looking at the condition of my heart and my mind...it's going to take me 1 year to get over Melissa. I really have to get away! It's so hard to accept. It's so hard to let go. It's so hard to move on. She's not coming back to me. God help me! God help me! God help me!

Identifying with the heart of God

I guess I learned an important lesson yesterday about the heart of God towards those He created. In my life right now, I really do love someone so very much, but yet she has chosen to not return that love, and has walked away. As I was thinking about it, God showed me that He feels the same way about humanity. He loves his created ones so much, he gave Himself up and provided a way for them to come to Him. He is passionate about his children. He courts them. Yet, some have chosen to ignore and reject His love. I feel just a drop of the pain, and emotions that He feels. Love is freely given and received. That's true love. This is interesting, because my prayer has always been that I can be a man after God's own heart, like David was.

What I really want to say

This is a song that touches me a lot, because it's what I'm feeling right now. It's by one of my favorite christian artists who wrote this for his wife - Mary Beth.

What I really want to say - Steven Curtis Chapman

I say I love you, I say I need you
I try so many ways to say how my heart beats for you
I say I'm always thinking about you
There's no way I'd want to face this life without you
And even though these words comes from deep inside me
There's so much more I don't have the words to say

'Cuz what I really want to say
Is what the sun would say to the sky
For giving it a place to come alive
But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say

I know that sometimes my words can be as hard as stone
And sometimes my words have left you feeling so alone
So please forgive me and hear the words I'm saying now
I will spend my whole life looking for a way somehow
To let you know just how precious you are to me
I'll use the best words I know but I still won't say it all

'Cuz what I really want to say Is what the sun would say to the sky For giving it a place to come alive But my words get in the way
Of what I really want to say
Oh what I really want to say

It's like a tale too great to be told
It's something that my heart can only show
I'm gonna take my whole life
Just to let you know
What I really want to say

Oh, what I really want to say
What I really want to say
Oh, what I really want to say

I keep writing about the same thing...

I keep writing about the same thing. About Mel again. hmmm... I can't really explain. Even if I ran away across the world, or disappeared, I would still love and think about her the same as I do now. Right now, I'm thinking about her again. hmm..well she probably is moving on now. As for me, God has ordained that I must constantly think about her. I wish that i could say some things to her, in order to bring her back. But I know it won't happen. But I'm just going to pretend...

I love you. i adore you, and everything about you. You have in the past, and in the future made me into a better person by challenging me and bringing new perspective into my life. I love you because you are passionate about the things God has gifted you in. I love you because you make me happy. I miss you every single day.

okay. I'm not sure how long I will continue to write about her, but I'm going to, because she really is what I think about, other than God. God is always my first love, but she is also in my heart and in my mind all the time. Sometimes I feel her so intensely within me. When that happens, I have to breathe in, and breathe out for a while, until I can calm down.

What would I give to be with her again? Anything!. Anything to be in her presence, anything to have her with me again. I know with all my heart, that I do love her.

Thinking about her is great and wonderful, but knowing that I can't be with her is actually very painful. Therefore...

God help me through this!... Your grace is sufficent for me!

Sweet memories...

I go through a range of emotions during the day and week.

Yesterday, I got home and I was thinking about her. Just remember the time when I first saw her. I was immediately captivated. I was always so excited to see her and so wanted to talk to her, but was too nervous. Always looked forward to seeing her.

Was excited and happy when I actually finally talked to her!..it was a breakthrough. So happy when I finally got closer to her.

Anyway, I guess it's going to take a long time for me to get through this. Oh well...life isn't always fair...just shows how much I love her.

Fragrance...Aroma...

Reading from Exodus...

There were many kinds of offerings...fellowship, burnt, etc. that the Israelites were told to do. At the end of each instruction, there is usually a line that says that this offering is a pleasing aroma to God or something like that. I thought that was cool. This morning I thought about Mary and her offering of perfume that filled the whole room up! So how does it apply to my life?
1. The best given to God
2. Work hard for God
3. Offering for Jesus, and to Glorify Him
4. Costly offering - Mary's offering was costly to her
5. Offer your life, and everything that you have - my dreams, wishes, possesions, time and energy, things that I treasure in this life

You are my way, my truth and my life...Confrontation Day...

Thank you for confronting me today from your word. I was reading a book "The case for faith" it's very interesting. I must say I'm not as intellectually strong about my faith as maybe I should be, so I thought about trying to strengthen my mind. It's been successful and unsuccessful because it's going to take a while for me to get stronger in this area.

It's encouraging to hear what God is doing in the world. Especially in the muslim world. I have heard stories about God speaking to unbelievers in dreams about Jesus. Where no Christian has ever spoken to them about the gospel! Amazing! It really does show that NO ONE has an excuse at judgement. Because, God is always speaking, it's just a matter of people responding to Him, and those that seek with all of their heart, they will for sure find JESUS! woo hoo! But that doesn't excuse Christians from evangelizing. We must reach out. The harvest is plentiful!

But there was one thing that spoke to me. There was this young teen from India, who tried to commit suicide by drinking poison. He was almost successful at killing himself, but a servant in the house came to his aid, brought him to the hospital and the poison was removed from him. While in recover, his mother read him some scripture..."I am the way the truth and the life...." It spoke very powerfully to him at that moment, to the point where he gave his life to Christ, and now he is a famous evangelist. His name is Ravi Zacharias.

It spoke to me to, in my present situation. You are my way, my truth and my life. You are everything to me, my grace, my strength, my light, the one that I follow and depend on, the one who gives wisdom and answers, the one who gives eternal and abundant life, the one who defends and heals me, the one who forgives me, and the one who gives grace and peace to me every morning.

I realized that she isn't coming back to me. She will never come back to me again. I'm trying to drill that into my head and heart right now, and accept that.

Therefore, my recovery program is on its way.....here are my thoughts about how I can get get healed...Considering serving in my church's youth group, maybe a change of scenery will do me some good and provide me with more challenge and new opportunity to help young people. Continuing to write songs. Continuing to lean on the support of friends. Yeah, continuing to visit other churches, I really need to do that right now. I'm not church hopping, just visiting, and seeing new believers, and experiencing freshness in my life. Plus I need time to heal my heart right now.

I think about her every day, even right now. I miss and love her so much! Come on JOSH drill it into your head!! I'm always slow at realizing and accepting things sometimes. Especially when it comes to girls. She's not coming back to you JOSH! get it into your head!!
Okay for sure I need to get away!

I have a good memory

During this trial in my life, I must say that it has been difficult. Sometimes I have many questions and doubts, sometimes I get angry, and bitter.

But I will always look to you, sometimes you don't give me the answers, sometimes you do. Most of all you ask me to live by faith and not by sight. To remember by looking back in my life, and to remember Your faithfulness to me, before I was a believer and after I was a believer.

It's a new day. Your mercies are new every morning. Your grace is sufficient for me.

Amen

Confront me!

Lord God!

I don't know what to do about her. I don't know how to deal with her not in my life. But... Everytime I look to You, confront me! confront me! confront me! Confront me!

The same prayer...

Once again,

I pray that you encounter me in the midst of pain and sorrow. I need you right now, everyday, every minute..

I don't pray so much that you take away the pain and deliver me , but I pray more that you teach me, and encounter me in the midst of pain.

Song..

Wow!..

Here's a song by Ryan Cabrera called "True"...This song reflects how I felt about Mel when I first saw and met her last year....

True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
That you belong with me

You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
I'm attached to you
I'm weak
It's true
Cuz I'm afraid to know the anwsers
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I won't hide
It's time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life I've waited
This is true

You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
It's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I know when I go I'll be on my way to you
The way that's true

I've waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing that's true
So I will not hide
It's time to try anything to be with you
All my life I've waited

This is true

I wait on You....

Deliverance, healing, God's guidance doesn't always come so quickly. Sometimes we need to wait.

God I really can't stop thinking about her. I feel her right in my heart, I actually feel her physically in my heart, and I definitely miss her every minute of the day. I know that I really do love her.

It's going to take me a long time to fully get through this. Lead me God through this, as I hold your hand, wait on You and look to you daily for strength, and grace. My mind is focused on You. Be my everything, be all that I need, be my food, and drink.

I don't ask that you deliver me, but I ask that you encounter me in the midst of pain. Give me joy to do what you what me to do, and to be who you want me to be. Grant me patience in pain and trial. And a open heart to learn what you are trying to teach me at this moment.

I know what I must do...

I know what I must do about Mel....I hope to do it either today or tommorrow....It'll be hard..but I must do it..

Anyway, just going to continue to look to Him, and write songs.. I enjoy it...it's getting a little bit easier for me to do that..

Need a vacation!!!

I don't know if I can be her friend......I don't know...a part of me wants to, but then it hurts too much.. A part of me loves her sooo very much..yet a part of me is bruised by pain.... I don't know if I can be her friend..
I need a vacation!

Filled with love and yet filled with anger...

Yup so I've been writing songs recently. It's been meaningful to me to do that. Wrote two songs on Saturday, and I want to write another after reading some portions from scripture about Moses.

I guess I need to "go away" for a while. It's interesting the things in my heart and my emotions. Part of me loves her so deeply, but a part of me, is angry and bitter towards her. A part of me wants to be with her, and a part of me doesn't.

A part of me doesn't care about her, a part of me doesn't even want her in my life, or even want her around...yet a part of me wants to always be with her.

hmmm....Joshua, you're so strange...need help!! hahaha!..

Well, that's why I need to "go away". Trying my best to sort out my feelings and emotions. But there is a need to go on "retreats", so that I can get these feelings sorted out. Anyway...

Future direction....

I was thinking about the future, in terms of where I want to go with my career, ministry opportunities/dreams/visions, moving out of home, where I want to go on vacation this year. I just want to lay these things down at your feet, and ask that you help me to think and research all these things, to make loose plans. I also ask that you guide me through these decisions and thoughts. I will not be anxious about anything.

Restore my soul...

I was trying to write a song yesterday. It was really hard! yo! But I managed to get a little working tune, and lyrics that will need to be amended and/or modified. I will post my songs on this blog soon.

God reminded me today to perservere through the writing process, getting better at it will take time and work, and abiding in Him.

I was reading somewhere today about abiding in Him, and then the natural result would be that I will bear much fruit for Him. Excellent! ...God reminded me that I shouldn't be jealous of the successes of my brothers/sisters in terms of their influence and attention. Sometimes I can get into that place, when I see other Christians serving Him, and doing this and that, writing great music, being invited to play in various churches, etc. I'm reminded that I too can be an influence and make impact for Him, if I abide in Him. I suppose that I will not know how many lives I have come to touch/change until I meet my Lord in heaven.

Beauty Of Your Peace - Tim Hughes, John Greenleaf

Your voice has stilled the raging storms;
The wind and waves bow down before
Your still small voice brings hope to all
who wait on You we'll wait on You

(You'll) To lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
and all our earthly stirrings come to cease

Take from our souls the strain and stress
and let our ordered lives confess
the beauty of your peace
the beauty of your peace

La La La La La La La La

Bright skies will soon be overhead
We'll enter in to heaven's rest
There'll be no death, There'll be no pain
the things of old will pass away


-Help me not to complain, but to be thankful, to rest in You, to be still, to have a quiet trust in You, to make my requests to You God, and during bad or good times to keep my hope and confidence in You. Therefore....God restore my soul today...love Your son Joshy-