Father...

Yesterday at church, while singing to You...I prayed a prayer to You. I pray that prayer again today before I start work.

Lord,

Grant me grace and strength to embrace your plans for my life. Grant me strength to embrace your vision, and mission. Grant me grace to leave her behind. Grant me grace too let her go. Grant me grace to follow you.

Amen.

A second prayer..

Lord as I start my day, please bring healing to my heart. Wash away the brokenness and the pain. Keep my heart on you. Fill me with your Spirit, and power. Your words on my lips.

Love her too much....

I was thinking today...
Could I be her friend? I don't think so. Not right now. Not for a long time. Don't have a time frame, indefinitly. I love her so much, cared about her soo much, saw her as much more than a girlfriend, and saw a future with her. Was prepared to go all the way with her. I still feel that way about her. I would take her back any day if she wanted to come back.
I am not a light switch. My emotions don't turn on and off. Even though I love her so much, I'm also angry and frustrated with her. I don't know when I will stop loving her like I do now.

Therefore, I can't be her friend, not for a long time, indefinitly. It's either we are dating or we can't be friends. Still trying to get through this. "I love her, but only on my own."

Tears of Joy in my heart...

There is this lovely couple -Tim and Felicia Gould, that were my pastors at one point when they were living in Toronto for a short time. Back at my old church, they pastored us for about 2 years before leaving for Malaysia to serve God. They have always been in my heart, I have never forgotten them. They have made an impact on my life, though I cannot say how. All I know is that thinking of them both brings a lot of joy in my heart. They have a lovely daugther Jemma who is in kindergarten :) cute :)
It's funny, I was thinking of taking some vacation time, thinking where should I go? I'm seriously considering visiting them in Malaysia - Penang for about a week. Thinking about them, makes me miss them :) They were a lovely, Godly couple.
God I pray that my eyes will see them once again...soon :)

3 revelations...

3 revelations that God spoke to me randomly...

1. Like a child
2. everyday living
3. wisdom in trials/get specific..!

Yes further explanations and meanings..

1. Like a child

-Yesterday, nearing the end of the work day, I became a little overwhelmed by anxiety and fear of the future. I guess I'm dealing with the break-up of my past g/f. Still getting through that. I really loved her, and wanted to stay with her. But she chose to walk away. So I'm left with trying to cope and deal with it. I don't think that there is just "one" person out there for you. So I guess I'm just trying to move on now. When the feelings aren't mutual and the commitment is not mutual, then we don't have a relationship. I would have stayed with her until the end, forever, if she wanted to stay with me till the end. But that was not the case.
On the bus, I saw a little girl, she was singing and being very undignified. God reminded me to be like a child, just to know that God is good, and he knows what is best for me, and his timing is perfect.

2. Everday living..

I was reflecting on my life, and my activities. I was searching and wondering how I can be signifcant for him. I thought that life could be more exciting than my life right now. The way I'm living and the way most people are living, they are tired and work 9-5. I was thinking, why don't I go be a missionary, do this and that for God..wouldn't that be exciting?, then God would be glorified. Having said that, I can still do those things. But God reminded me that I can glorify Him, every single day. In the stupid chores that we do, our conversations, our activities, everything can bless God and bring glory to Him, and plant seeds in peoples hearts. We can never know the full extent of the impact our lives can have on others when we live for Christ. I think when we meet our maker, everything hidden will be revealed, everything will be revealed, what we did, and the kind of impact on others will be revealed.

3. wisdom in trials/get specific..!

I still am going through difficult period in my life. Still struggling here and there. But what is God teaching me? what does he specificially want to teach me? what does he specifically want me to change? We need to get specific, no generalities. James 1 talks about how God gives Wisdom in trials. So I pray that God will give me wisdom to know what specifically he wants to teach me, and what specifically he wants me to change, and how to change.

Signing out for now...back to work..
Your grace is sufficient for me.

A Faithful bride... :)

Faithful bride...sounds kinda funny and weird. But the Church is called God's bride. I was reading Jeremiah 2 at lunch today. And God spoke through the prophet speaking His displeasure of his people and coming judgement of them.

Chapter 2.

"I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me
and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown.
Israel was holy to the Lord, the firstfruits of his harvest;
all who devoured her were held guilty, and disaster overtook them"

Well it appears that they are the opposite of Chapter 2 as we discover and read further.
hmmm...spiritual adultery is a very serious thing.
As I keep reading it tells about how they don't come to God anymore, but only when they are in trouble, they don't have a relationship with Him anymore, they worship idols, they depend on themselves. They seem very worldly. The world was influencing them instead of the other way around.

As I reflected upon this passage I think of my own life. Do I commit adultery?
I pray I don't. I am in the world, but not of the world. I am different/holy, I have a relationship with him. I suppose the first step is always the bible. Can really read it, and find out what God dislikes. If i don't do them, that's a first step. I can also discover what pleases him, and releases blessing in my life. Is the world influencing me or am I influencing the world? ...
But I also have a relationship with Him and the Holy Spirit who gives me power and strength to do what I cannot do.
But.... I know my life hasn't always been about you. Your forgiveness is never ending..

Lord have your way. May your words be in my heart, and mind. May the way I live reflect who you are, and cause others to look to you. May I speak and live boldly for You as I ought to.
Fill me Spirit of God. Have your way!

Fill me up and send me out...

Lord have your way, Lord have your way with me.
Fill me up with your Spirit and power and have your way with me. Your words on my lips, and actions, and my attitudes reflect who you are God. May I be single minded about following you Jesus. My heart is set on you. My everything.
Use me at work to recognize and seize and create opportunities that you have given me to meet the needs of others.

With that girl...I'm still struggling over it....
Well....that's why my eyes are on you Lord :) !!

Grant me great grace to love and honour my parents, even though sometimes they can get on my nerves.

Thank you God for many service opportunities: worship, youth and mexico. And maybe potentially to the amazon :)

I was thinking about 1 Corinthians 13, where it spoke about love. Couple of weeks ago a sermon was preached at church about the sheep and the goats. It was good. We were taught to love and meet the needs of others - physical and spiritual, and to do acts of kindness. But I would like to bring an addition to those thoughts. Where 1 cor, says that we could give ourselves to whatever acts of kindness but really not have love..than it would be nothing. So I think loving others also involves emotions, and it really also means that we really do love and care about the people who we are serving. Just doing something for somebody isn't enough.

You have also taught me the importance of prayer. That we should pray for others, and for the world. Have to pray for the youth that I'm serving, my family, friends, and people at work, and church family. Have to pray for world events. The death and election of a pope is of vital importance. We must pray for those cardinals. You are coming back soon Jesus, we must not be blind to world events, that will signal your coming return.

Okay..back to work..
Here I am to worship :)

Heart prescription...

I'm battling internal heart pain right now. Well..not literally. But more emotionally. Still dealing with the same situation as before. Trying to cope and be joyful. Trying to keep hope, and stay positive. I read this somewhere that speaks to me about sadness, and depression. It speaks about Jeremiah, he also battled sadness and depression.

Jeremiah is an Old Testament example who dealt with depressing thoughts and situations. For 37 years, the unrepentant Israelites had turned away from God to worship idols, and Jeremiah was called to confront them. His heart was broken for Israel's sins and the judgment of God that was coming upon them: "...I am mourning...Oh, that my head were waters, and my eyes a fountain of tears, that I might weep day and night..." (Jeremiah 8:21, 9:1 NKJ).
Suffering abuse and persecution from the Israelites, Jeremiah was rejected and alone. He cried out to God, "Cursed be the day in which I was born! Let the day not be blessed in which my mother bore me!'" (Jeremiah 20:14 NKJ). Jeremiah was bombarded with suicidal thoughts, cursing the very day he was born.
Yet, Jeremiah used the supernatural weapon of the Word to resist depression: "Your words were found, and I ate them, and Your word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart..." (Jeremiah 15:16 NKJ). He was set free from the depression and he was filled with joy.

I take the above words to heart :)... Lord bring joy to my bones, and joy to my heart.

How much longer?

God!

How much longer do I have to take this? I suffer because I think about her all the time, and feel much pain. How much longer do I have to go through this, until I can be healed, until I can let go and move on? When will you let me go free, and take this thorn away from me? I love her sooo much. When will everything be healed and washed away from me? When will the anger, bitterness, and love for her be washed away?

But you keep saying..

My grace is sufficient for you, Joshua.

God help me to perservere through this, and hold on to you. Keep looking to the Father. Help me!...Help me!

I look to you..

I look to you now. Help me to put all my energy to promoting and establishing your Kingdom on earth. Help me not to think about her anymore, but you alone. God I love her so much still, but she doesn't want to be with me. Help me to move on, and to get over her. So scared of her still.

Having something to look forward to...

Yes. I'm happy to help out with the youth tonight. It gives me joy, excitment and anticipation. That I can do something for God, something new and fresh. I have never really tried to be a model for someone to follow. It will be interesting to be a leader, model, and to help counsel young people. But I gladly give myself to this ministry.

Yes I need to talk to myself!

Haha..
Yes...I keep talking to myself. I keep having to tell myself, "His grace is sufficient for me." Thinking of her can be stressful. Not that I purposely try, but it just spontaneously comes!..."Your grace is sufficient for me."