I'm more open to missions...

Just reflecting today, and I've realized how God has changed my attitude to world missions. In the beginning of my Christian walk, I was never interested in these things. But slowly during the past year or two, I've been having a heart to meet people from every nation and bless them, and learn from them. I want to learn what God is doing around the world, to be blessed and to be a blessing. I want to care about the orphans and the widows, the broken and the poor.

I'm taking this course called "Perspectives" and at first I was unsure whether or not this course would be really helpful to me, but I'm going to try and have an open heart to learn. I think that I am learning slowly from the course, I especially like hearing stories of missionaries in different places and how God worked through them.

I'm playing around in my head with the idea and thought of doing long-term mission work. I think it would be really hard to give up the comforts of western life, or perhaps not seeing my family and friends for a long time. But Lord, I am willing, all you need to do is lead and guide me.
Whoever is reading this blog...(ryan I know you are! Thanks man!) .....there is a possibility that I may do a short-term mission to South Africa. I'm really excited about the possibility and hope that I will be accepted to go. I just want to learn about this nation, and bless them, and give them hope......Hope for this continent that has been ravaged by war and disease and exploitation...So pray for me..that if it's His will, God might allow me to go....

I'm not sure if I'm the right person to be part of the team that's going to Africa, but only God knows, and it's so easy to assess based on human wisdom...but God knows what's best for the team.

Can I fall facedown?

Ezekiel 1-2

I know God in many ways, more so like a father to his son, or like an intimate friend....

I just recently decided to read the Old Testament again. I know that it can be hard and boring at times, but I think there is still so much to learn from those who went ahead of us.

So I just started reading the book of Ezekiel. In chapter one, Ezekiel was given a grand revelation of the glory of God. When I read it, I was like cool! Of course I don't think this is the complete picture, I don't think we'll ever have one, but it's awesome for Ezekiel to be wowed! by His glory.

What did Ezekiel do...."I fell on my face..." and what did the Lord do..."and I heard a voice of One speaking."

The Lord then told him to go to his own people who were rebelling against God and preach to them, declare repentance and judgement, but also give hope.

So the past day or two I have also been praying for a glimpse of His glory...not that I would see what Ezekiel saw, but just to be "wowed" again by God in such a way i would facedown, and be so open to His call and direction on my life...

No expectations..

Yesterday night, I just was totally honest with God. I told Him everything that I was feeling, especially my frustration with myself, and the anger that I feel. I communicated my doubts, and how I questioned His integrity and intentions for me.

After letting everything go, I just have no expectations of God right now. I'm just totally open and waiting on You now..... Lord, I'm just desperate for You to speak into my life......

Lord you show me who You are again. Lord You renew me again.... and tell me what I should believe about You....

Take me to the place....

Christ,

I know how prideful I am...I love attention to myself. I often say things just for the sake of saying things...the words don't really have value and is often not edifying to anyone...

I'm not righteous...and I'm not holy...
Take me to the place where I am nothing.
Take me to the place where I am broken. Take me to the place where I have no pride.
Take me to the place where I want nothing but You.
Take me to the place where I am in tears.
Take me to the place of death.

then...

In "dying"....

I can have You...and the joy of knowing You....and I ultimately have everything!

Jeremy Camp - Letting Go

The lyrics to this song is a reflection of what I need to do...

Letting Go - Jeremy Camp

Gripping on so tight with the security I have inside
Knowing what is right holding onto my pride
Letting go of the things I hold so dear
Letting go of all my pain and all my fears
Letting go of the things I hold so dear
Letting go of all my pain and all my fears
I have been brought to a place
Where I want to give up everything
Where all I can do is seek your face
And my brokenness I will bring
Holding on to the things I deem so strong
Holding on even tho my faith has been built so long
Holding on to the things I deem so strong
Holding on to what I know
I'm letting go

just wanna write...part 3

Thanks Ryan for reminding me last night, that there's nothing I can do. He's right, I have no control, and I can't do anything.

So...need to just keep moving forward..

Just wanna write - Part 2

God what are you doing to me?
At times, I'm overwhelmed with these emotions again. I can't stop dwelling and thinking about it again..I always asked myself can there be second chances? Is there a possibility again? I don't like to keep hope, and want something that might not happen again..might never happen...in fact the possibility seems so slim... ahh...silly joshy...such a dreamer...

I wish I could be emotionless....but I can't...

well...the only thing to do is to just "Be still, and know that I am God" Psalm 46: 10

Special songs to Father God...

Forever - Marty Sampson

I'll worship at Your throne
Whisper my own love song
With all my heart I sing
For You my Dad and King
I'll live for all my days
To put a smile on Your face
And when we finally meet
It'll be for eternity

And oh how wide You open up Your arms
When I need Your love
And how far You would come
If ever I was lost
And You said that all You feel for me
Is undying love
That You showed me through the cross

I'll worship You my God
I'll worship You my God
I love You, I love You
Forever I will sing
Forever I will be with You, be with You


Deeper - Marty Sampson

Light to men
Love of God
Healing for the wounded heart
Like a child quiet my soul
Hear Your voice surround me Lord
Jesus, hold me into Your heart
Into Your heart
Lord my soul delights
And I know You hear my prayer
Take me deeper Lord
Glorious Son to You I shall bow
Bow my knee, bow my will
Cherished by the strong and the weak
Humble hearts shall hear You speak
And by Your love Lord You opened my heart
Now Your light will shine always
By Your Word Lord Your promise secure
And my soul will live always
Take me deeper Lord

Above all else - Vicky Beeching

Jesus, my passion in life is to know You
May all other goals bow down toThis journey of loving You more
Jesus, You've showered Your goodness on meGiven Your gifts so freely
But there's one thing I'm longing forHear my heart's cry
And my prayer for this life
Above all elseAbove all else
Above all else
Give me Yourself
Savior, the more that I see Your beauty
The more that I glimpse Your gloryMy heart is captured by You
Jesus, You are my greatest treasure
Nothing this world can offerCould ever compare to You
So, hear my heart's cryAnd my prayer for this life

Captivated - Vicky Beeching

Your laughter it echoes like a joyous thunder
Your whisper it warms me like a summer breeze
Your anger is fiercer than the sun in its splendourYou're close and yet full of mystery
Ever since the day that I saw Your face
Try as I may, I cannot look away, I cannot look away...
Captivated by YouI am captivated by You
May my life be one unbroken gaze Fixed upon the beauty of Your face
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my gazeI become more like You and my heart is changed
Beholding is becoming, so as You fill my view
Transform me into the likeness of YouThis is what I ask, for all my daysThat I may, never look away, never look away...No other could ever be as beautifulNo other could ever steal my heart awayI just can't look away...

Love Song For a Savior - Jars of Clay

In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
She thanks her Jesus for the daisies and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter
Or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat
Or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust him
And learn how to see him
Someday he'll call her
And she will come running
Fall in his arms, the tears will fall down
And she'll pray
I want to fall in love with you

Just feel like writing.....

Ryan and I were out for dessert last night, and we were just chatting about different things, catching up, talking about silly things again, like we always do.

We came to a topic that we were both really emotional about (...precious memories, a special place in my heart).....I dunno...it's best that I don't write anymore about this topic at this time..

Anyway....

God is so kind, gracious, and gentle, He knows everything and is ready to hear us when we pour out our hearts to Him. That's what I love about God, that's what I love about reading the Psalms. I'm reading the Psalms again, and it means a lot to me when I read it.

I feel like King David a little. He's always talking to God, always pouring out himself to God, always praising God, always giving thanks!

Father, you know everything...intimacy with You is precious and to be treasured..

To my blog fans...read Psalm 119...

Need you to change me..

Today at church, Pastor Andrew preached on the Lord's prayer....Matthew 6:12 "Forgive us our debts."

He just really emphasized the need for us to confess our sins to God, and to always go to Him when we fail. He reminded us that God forgives us, and "forgets them", "removes them" "makes it disappear."

But then He continued to challenge us to confess our sins, and then change and not go backwards. He wants us to be set free and to keep moving forward and not backwards.

2 Corinthians 7: 8-11

Even if I caused you sorrow by my letter, I do not regret it. Though I did regret it—I see that my letter hurt you, but only for a little while— yet now I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done.

I want to have this Godly sorrow that moves me to change... God have mercy on me...

I feel convicted about my conduct. I so often think that I'm better than people, but I have to realize that I'm not better than people. It's just Christ in me...Christ in me...

Luke 18: 9-14

To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everybody else, Jesus told this parable: "Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood up and prayed about himself: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men—robbers, evildoers, adulterers—or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week and give a tenth of all I get.'
"But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, 'God, have mercy on me, a sinner.'
"I tell you that this man, rather than the other, went home justified before God. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted."